is scattered on paper, across the Web, on receipts inside my purse, in the minds of the people I have spoken to over the years... it's strange how many different places I have scattered tidbits about myself, and how much of it even I don't remember. Every notebook I've ever had contains paragraphs neatly written, pages scribbled, faces doodled, meaningless song lyrics, miscellaneous thoughts. I've had three xangas. I have a Tumblr and a facebook. I update my status more than I should. How much of this will matter, five years from now? Ten? In twenty, I'm sure it will mostly be meaningless. Some of my notebooks that I've actually designated for pure personal writing use contain deeply personal thoughts. In middle school, I wrote a ridiculous amount. I filled a notebook - something I rarely do before moving on to a newer, cleaner one. Sometimes I go for months without writing with pen and paper strictly for myself. Sometimes the urge is so strong that I grab the nearest piece of paper and scribble furiously for ten or twenty minutes. It could be two in the morning; I could be exhausted beyond belief, and I could stay up another half hour writing. None of it is worth anything to anyone but me. Some people aspire to be writers and have similar habits to mine, but I rarely write stories or poems any longer. I realized that writing is therapeutic for me, and my writing is almost always about things that relate directly to myself. I write selfishly; I put down the feelings I don't even want to admit to myself. I let myself look scary thoughts full in the face for those twenty minutes I am writing. I do it here, too. Xanga is just another notebook, except people can feel free to look at this. I get personal; I don't usually inhibit myself; but I rarely let myself look the monsters in the closets in my mind in the face here. I don't write for others. I write for me. Writing is indulgent and freeing, personal, alone, perfect for letting things go. It's my catalyst, I guess, if that analogy makes sense. It helps me sort out my thoughts so I can change them. It helps me look at problems in a logical way. I never need to look at it again. Sometimes I do, and I laugh at myself, at how much that little thing mattered to me - but it's not necessary. I like that it's there for me if I need it, but I usually don't. I guess that's why I lose my notebooks and free pages and receipts and post-its so easily. It just doesn't matter anymore, not after it's left my mind. | 
